The Face of Fassbender

The Face of Fassbender

His eyes seem to know a million women like myself are closely analyzing his photographs.

By KRISTEN WARNER

Some might say Michael Fassbender’s face combined with his teeth yields a shark-like appearance. This may be so — only if you consider sharks the most beautiful and all-the-while terrifying animals ever made.

But let’s assume that Fassbender is, in fact, not a shark. Let’s assume his sharply chiseled jaw replete with the most perfectly groomed stubble is a sign that God is real — that He loves us and wants us to be happy as we (awkwardly) stare at a beautiful statuesque being like Fassy.

I dunno. There’s just something about the way his eyes seem to know that there are a million women like myself closely analyzing his photographs, wondering if he’s aware of how many thirst traps he has set and if he is concerned about his safety should he ever find himself on a desolate street without a pay phone or a proper sidewalk to run down as all of these women — and some men, of course — chase him down so as to get a better look at his porcelain skin.

Fassy is for everyone — well, everyone except Blake Lively, Gwyneth Paltrow, Natalie Portman, and Rosario Dawson (not because I dislike her but because she’s already enjoyed too many pretty men and needs no more fodder for her future memoirs).

And yet he stares on.

Have you seen his photos? He stares in all directions: turned in quarter profile, with body away and head turned nearly completely around to gaze, straight on glances and under the eyelash glancing.

He stares lying in a bed while looking up at us or sitting on a stool or playing table football while he has company with some stick-insect model on his knee.

Images: GQ, The Hollywood Reporter, and Pinterest

Do you know what that stare will lead you to do?

No. Not that.

Or that.

Or that…ew.

No.

That stare will lead you to go to a cineplex, pay money, and sit in a darkened theater to watch a violent 120-minute Cormac McCarthy meditation on existential fate, choices, and Cameron Diaz having a really great time on the hood of a car.

All of that just because of the first 5 minutes of the film — when that stare meets Penelope Cruz’s stare under those impossibly white sheets, saying all those things he said and making you feel grateful you could experience that.

And in return, you sit through the most absurd use of Brad Pitt you’ve ever seen.

But the smile is even more treacherous.

The smile, first revealed to me in Fish Tank (2009), connects you to his character just as it did with the teenage girl onscreen. And that smile makes you just as susceptible to singing along with that cover of “California Dreamin’” in THAT scene.

Yeah…

Let’s take 5 seconds to recover our torrid/conflicted/disturbed/NSFW feelings about that.

Picture Fassy in that chambray button-down with the ascot in X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Picture Fassy holding McAvoy in his arms in X-Men: First Class.

Picture Fassy staring at Mia Waschi — I give up — after she saves him in Jane Eyre. And then when he falls to his knees and rests his head against her (petite) stomach in angsty agony.

Picture Fassy staring at you on a subway car while wearing that lovely coat and scarf round his neck like in Shame. And then pretend that you, unlike that lady, did NOT run away.

You better yet? Can I stop now?

There are, of course, the moments when Fassy wears stupid hats or over-relies on the goddamn Converse sneakers or dyes his hair platinum blonde (I know it was for work but I was still nonplussed AF). Or those moments when he works so much he forgets to eat and presents a bit too gaunt, emphasizing the sexy shark thing, but…

that’s not the point of this meditation.

Instead, I would like to close by submitting that all of Fassbender’s lovely features are complimented by his voice and the fact that he can sing a little bit.

I mean, we can all pretend we didn’t watch Frank (2014) pressed because we were denied Fassy face, making do because we had Fassy body and voice, but this is a Safe Obsessive Space™ so why would we lie?

That’s when you know the person is gorgeous…when you still think him sexy after he wears a giant paper-mache head.

Listen, I’m not even that bad. Once, someone made him a video for his birthday.